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Saturday, October 31st, 2009
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1:13 am - The chapter closes.
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This whole month felt like a whole year.
How do I put it all into words? I've felt every emotion one could possibly feel in the course of a month, and even discovered a few more that I cannot quite place my finger on.
I've had to face many things. My step brothers unexpected death has certainly changed me in a way. Whenever anyone goes, it impacts me, but this time it was different, this time it was harder, but in the midst of the sadness, it made a profound change within me. It is going to take me a while to get there, but I'll get there...
You know, I never felt like I belonged anywhere and I am okay with that. I think that having the constant feeling of not belonging anywhere gives one the freedom to go wherever or do whatever their heart desires without being tied to where they "belong".
I am always on the run, escaping, looking for little pieces of myself hidden within strange places, or experiences, and people each and every one that I find is another brick that has been missing from this home full of holes inside of my head.
I live my life as though it is a story that I am telling to myself, if it gets bad or boring, I begin to slip away I guess.
Maybe my troubles are swirling around in the tornado that is always lurking around in the horizon, sometimes it touches down and just fucking blasts me, and sometimes it skips over me. This month I totally got blasted. Blasted in a way that I was in no way prepared for. I took it day by day. I am still trying to take it day by day.
I am going to have fun on Halloween, a promise I made to myself. Not dressing up.
Then I am leaving for Miami on Monday. I will be in the company of a friend who does not quite realize what a diamond she is and I am glad that she is coming with me for this trip.
During my trip, I'll take that time to soak up some sun, sort out my thoughts,fight some demons,find peace,slay dragons,sort,kill,bury,embrace my emotions and just have a much needed good time all while playing around in the ocean, the only place that I feel like I belong..Right where I need to be right now...
current mood:  contemplative
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
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10:56 am - In limbo
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Great so my landlord is selling this house. I JUST fucking moved in.
Talked to him, he feels awful, has no choice.
Whoever buys it has to honor my lease until it is expired but damn. Wtf?
So yeah, I am currently in limbo.
Either
A.)An investor will buy this place solely for an investment and keep me around just for the rent money, as this place is selling for LESS than what it is worth and what my landlord bought it for. (I HOPE this is what will happen)
B.)An investor or someone else will buy this place and boot me at the end of my lease which means I will have to move AGAIN. Fuck! I mean, I can do it but what the fuck, what a goddamn headache.
C.)If someone buys they have an option of "Buying me out"--Offering me a sum of money to leave or relocating me and paying for all expenses.
Either way I am staying in this area because I totally love it.
My birthday was such a horrible let down in the worst way(s) and it still bothers me, I do not want to talk about it. But I DID get to go to the beach at least.
Work sucks lately but I am doing ok. But some good things have been happening in my work area otherwise :)
A few days ago I had a dream that I finally found my little sister. I never had a dream about her before. I wonder if she really is like she was in the dream. Waking up made me really sad. I hope someday I find her...
Despite all of this I am not doing so bad I guess, not depressed really, but my parade has been officially rained on. Could be worse though, could be worse.
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| Wednesday, August 5th, 2009
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12:41 am
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I feel like I need to wake up or something, like I am dreaming.
I now live in a lovely new home is a totally ROCKIN' neighborhood. Fuck, I HATED where I used to live with a passion.
People here smile at me and say hi. I even made friends with a fat chihuahua that followed me!
I need to play my cards right.
This month Andy and I are celebrating our 6 year anniversary. That same day, it is my birthday.
I am going to be in DC for a few days working my ass off.
I need to redirect my life a bit. There are a few things that worry me, but I hope the chances I am taking are good ones.
Did I mention I need to start cooking at home instead of eating out every fucking day? Yeaahh...
Alright, lets not fuck this up. Things are going so well that it frightens me.
current mood:  accomplished
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
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9:44 am - Word.
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Anyone going to the Leatherstrip shows here in Philly. July 10th and 11th?
I am going to have an afterparty of sorts at my crib both nights.
No one under 21 is allowed and stuff O_o
Just got back from Rhode Island. That was awesome.
Next destination-
July-Austin and Dallas Texas.
August-Then Rhode Island again.
August-Baltimore/DC
September- Los Angeles.
October- Italy. (Malice plz do not kill me, I promise to punch your ex bf in the face if I see him tho, and maybe throw a little pee at him.)
Should be interesting.
Moving in August should be even MORE interesting.
Anyone else on Facebook?
Add me and stuff.
mozekdistorze@yahoo.com
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 20th, 2009
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7:27 pm - Behold, new ink!
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My backpiece with the two trees and the hourglass is finished...
All colored in!
I got the Alchemy symbols for Earth,Air,Fire and Water tattooed above it, all in their appropriate colors of course.
And I got the symbol for the planet Mercury on the other side of my neck.
Ok, I'll probably try to wait a little while before I go again? >:D Hmmm...
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| Saturday, May 23rd, 2009
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4:21 pm - It took long enough..
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Literally out of nowhere the other day I decided that I wanted to move.
And so, long story short, I am moving to a different area of Philadelphia come August, I'll be in the Fishtown/Northern Liberties area FAR away from South Philadelphia.
My neighbors here are filthy,low class, beer swilling degenerates. Most of them are hideous with missing teeth, they all have 686789697 kids and are all related, they all hang outside all day and night and gossip and carry on, they are nosy, disrespectful, just generally disgusting.
Sure, some people might think it is entertaining and they'll say "Oh good 'ol rowdy Irish people."
-But it really is not that charming or even funny. The people in South Philly are a whole different brand of white Irish trash. I've seen people from fucking trailer parks act more civilized..I swear to god.
I think I can probably go the rest of my life without putting up with another South Philly Irish person.
Granted, Fishtown has its fair share of white trash but no one was sitting outside on my new block when I went to look at the place and it was QUIET, the area is really nice and starting to get really artsy, it is near shopping centers which helps for people like me who walk everywhere.
It is a 3 br townhouse, and my landlord said I can paint the walls!
I am going to be looking for a 3rd roomate, this place is more expensive than where I live now but ah well, it is a sought after area and worth it.
So I am going to be in Providence RI from the 15-20th of June, and I am going to Austin and Dallas TX in July!
Werd!
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(15 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 16th, 2009
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8:50 pm
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Sooo, yesterday was absolutely horrible to sum things up not so nicely.
One of my neighbors let their dog run loose on the streets and as I was walking towards my house the dog comes running down the street, I ran across the street with Brisket (Who was on a leash) and the dog came running right across the street and up to Brisket and to put it short, he ended up killing the dog...Them and their kids had to witness it...
Although it is THEIR fault and stupidity, I still offered to pay their vet bill because the dog was 14 years old, he punctured one of her lungs, almost took out an eye, and then some.. Their kids had to see it...I'm just doing the "nice" thing.
It fucking tore me up when their little 6 year old girl came up trying to cheer me up and said "Its okay, she was like 95 in dog years." I mean, come on. That tore me up.
The owners were nice about it and said " It is not your fault you did not do anything wrong." So at least they acknowledge it..
But FUCKING CHRIST there are LEASH LAWS in Philadelphia.
LITERALLY, THE NIGHT BEFORE they were letting that fucking dog run loose and my dog was 4 feet away from it when I managed to yank him and quick run the other way, I FUCKING TOLD THEM DO NOT LET THAT DOG GET NEAR MY DOG, PLEASE.
So this should seriously serve as a grim reminder for anyone who thinks it is a good idea to allow their fucking dogs to run loose. By law they must be leashed. Period.
So, my dog sitters are keeping him, they live near trails and always take him hiking or swimming, they love him so much they have to hide his toys when he is not around because they get so depressed that he is not there, so I am doing the right thing because I cannot trust my idiot neighbors.
There are 3 other dogs (left) that run loose in this neighborhood, he almost got ahold of one of the other ones, and he got his hands on one and I just do not want to go through it again.
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| Sunday, May 10th, 2009
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11:47 pm
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Hmmm..
All this time in Miami and not a goddamn storm?! I feel fucking jipped! I want a good 'ol ultra-violent South Florida thunderstorm! I leave tomorrow!
The thunderstorms are a big part of why I like it here, what a bummer =(
Well The Everglades were cool. Gators everywhere. Werd. I took plenty of pictures of course, cracked out the good film. Pictures may be forthcoming here, but definitely on my Myspace page where all of my other stuff is.
How is it that my boyfriend usually takes longer to get ready than me? Lets not mention how he makes sure to pack his whole fucking life into his "Manpurse" before we go anywhere.
He spends more time tinkering around with his damn manpurse than anything. Well, 'cept his Iphone. Lol.
So not looking forward to my return to Philly, nt s much that I'm leaving here, but I m going back "there" I am beginning to hate my neighbors with a smoldering passion...I am not even joking...They are disgusting.
::Sigh::
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| Sunday, April 19th, 2009
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6:33 pm - Only in Philadelphia
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9:35 am
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TEN HOW'S:
How did you get one of your scars?
Fighting!
How did you celebrate your last birthday?
With Andy on the beach drinking coconut juice and vodka
How are you feeling at this moment?
Ummm
How did your night go last night?
BORING.
How did you do in high school?
I was expelled from the entire public school system.
How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Wife beater...Store?
How often do you see your best friend?
not often enough :(
How much money did you spend last month?
Thousands..
How old do you want to be when you get married?
Uhmmmm
How old will you be at your next birthday?
29
NINE WHAT'S:
Your mothers name?
Donna
What did you do last weekend?
I was in Ohio
What is the most important part of your life?
Family
What would you rather be doing?
Working out.
What did you last cry over?
Hm, when was the last time I cried?
What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
My fuzzy ferret friends or the doggie
What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
Someone who can make me laugh. Cute and cuddly works good too =)
What are you worried about?
Nothing you should be worried about.
What did you have for breakfast?
Nothing yet :(
EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:
Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
No.
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Of course
Have you ever been out of the country?
Ohh yes.
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
Some "thing"---I could write a novel!
Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
Sure, whatever.
Have you ever had sex on the beach?
That is gross. I do not want sand in my crotch.
Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
::Waves to Chris Saros::
Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
I've read 3 whole books in one day!
SEVEN WHO’S:
Who was the last person you saw?
Neighbors as I was walking down the street?
Who was the last person you texted?
Work.
Who was the last person you hung out with?
Andy so I am lonely :(
Who was the last person to call you?
Work
Who was the last person you called?
I forget
Who did you last hug?
Andy :(
Who was the last person you said "i love you" to?
My brother on the phone
SIX WHERES:
Where does your best friend live?
I do not just have one best friend
Where did you last go?
Pee
Where did you last hang out?
Home :(
Where do you go to school?
I do not go to school!!
Where is your favorite place to be?
Beach!
Where did you sleep last night?
In my bed
FIVE DO’S/DOES:
Do you like someone right now?
I hate everyone!
Do you think anyone likes you?
Everyone hates me! Srsly!
Do you ever wish you were someone else?
No.
Do you know the muffin man?
I ate him!
Does the future scare you?
Sure
FOUR WHY’S:
Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
Cuz.
Why did you get a facebook?
Because my boyfriend is quite active on FB, unlike the other social networking sites.
Why did your parents give you the name you have?
Because I belong in the sea! No, cuz my mom loves the sea..
Why are you doing this survey?
Cuz.
THREE IF’S:
If you could have one super power what would it be?
Make money appear out of thin air.
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
Oh yes.
If you were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?
My boyfriend haha.
TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:
Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
No but I would be their friend or something
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
I'd shave my head even if it wouldnt save them!
ONE LAST QUESTION
Are you happy with your life right now?
I am okay with it
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| Thursday, April 16th, 2009
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10:24 pm - Grrrr!
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Hmm, what kind of dog is that?
He is huge!
Oh boy is he scary, a real killer!
He is mauling me with hugs! (His arms are wrapped around my waist)
Ok ok, I will stop. Heheheh. If everyone does not know by now, I've had my brothers dog "Killian" aka "Log Dog" aka "Brisket" since March and will continue to have him until sometime in 2010 when my brothers lease is up....
Long story short, my brothers oil heater broke, his landlord would not fix it so the bro got a state inspector in who fined the landlord, etc, in turn the landlord gave my brother 10 days to get out. He could only find a place that did not accept dogs, no one would take the dog so it was either me or the shelter...NO WAY!
He is a rescued Pit Bull, his ears were cut off with scissors, he has obvious scars on his body and is 3x the size of a normal Pit Bull because he was given steroids. He was also badly beaten and had no fur on his neck when he was first rescued.
He is under 2 years old and still has a few puppy teeth.
So despite going through hell, he sure has a lot of love to give. Little nibbles and hugs and kisses and plenty of cuddles.
When I say "Get in the tub" he goes right in so I can wash his paws, housebroken, barely barks...Just an angel!
::Happy sigh::
I am awfully lonely with Andy being in Egypt and all, I will not hear from him for 10 days, but I am glad I have a fine friend in the meantime....
current mood:  crappy
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(31 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 2nd, 2009
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5:55 pm - I caved in...
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| Saturday, February 21st, 2009
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9:51 am - Blah blah blah
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So I've been in Rhode Island for the past week, despite the fact that I was menstruating the whole time, I got miserable news and Andy was really sick, it went really well for what it was, I have the sweetest boyfriend ever!
Yea, fuck all of this snow and cold and shit...I'm off to FT LAUDERDALE!!! Yeaaa!!
Wont be back until the evening of the 26th. I'm going swimming!
So I am painting my bedroom and I'll be installing fancy wallpaper soon, similar to what I had in my old studio but not quite...
Pretty nice huh?
So, it is never easy taking a picture of your own back, so here is a picture of my tattoo taken by Andy...
So far everyone who has seen it really likes it, I feel proud of myself that I've whipped up this image all on my own, it was really hard to describe to other people, Andy totally pitched a fit when I tried to make him draw it out and he could not get it and I was like "No, that is not what I want" He finally did a quick bang-up job of drawing it and Keith got an idea of what I wanted and drew it up perfectly.
Once the color is added, a slight tinge of brown on the bark and color on the flowers and leaves, it is going to look amazing!
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| Thursday, February 5th, 2009
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4:05 pm - Alrighty..
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Been a while since I posted..
TOO MUCH crap going on, and to top it off, I've been really busy with work for the 3 weeks. Which is good, but strange. I've been through so much shit I do not even know WHERE to begin. Thank goodness a certain toxic individual is removed from my life.
DAMN, I never realized how fucking NUTS they were, like seriously, even now they are just a spit away from loony-bin material, but damn, worse than I could have possibly imagined. And of course, like usual they try to deflect negative attention from themselves by making things up about me just like they did before, they even made things up about me to me..Damn.
Unfortunately, because they are so crazy and fucked out of their head and did not remember making a deal with me that we discussed what...at least 3x or more...My ferret passed away thanks to them and I have to swallow a few hundred dollars. Whatever, I can wipe my fucking ass with that amount of money and they are lucky if they have $2.00 to rub together...That is, until they sell their prescription opiates to their "Dear friends."
...Never trust a junkie, especially an opiate abuser.
My fathers opiate abuse destroyed my childhood..He lied, he stole, we were homeless when I was very young because of him stealing rent money from my mother, he stole Christmas presents from under the fucking tree,I had to wake up to his dead friend with a needle in his arm, I had to watch him overdose, I watched him get carried out by the ambulance, there is speculation that the drug dealer who he owed money to burned our house down when I was younger...And now he sits in jaiil since 2006...Until 2013.
Lesson learned. NO MORE TOLERANCE for opiate abusers, watching my father should have been enough but unfortunately I have a big heart.
They are scum, complete filth they do not give a fuck about anyone but themselves and 80 percent of them are beyond help. And they'll get and keep their friends addicted if given the chance which is worse. SICK.
But in better news...
Bad blurry pic taken by me, almost finished! colors in the trees,leaves and flowers are the only things left to be inked up! Almost done.
current mood: thoughtful
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| Monday, December 22nd, 2008
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11:44 am - What went wrong?
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I got these from my Mom and scanned them in...
I seriously cannot help breaking down when I look at these, sure, they look really cute, I was adorable, but there are so, so many things that I remember from these days...
My Mom and Dad and me as a baby..
Me next to my little wind up star toy..
This was around the time that I remember my very first memory or whatever you call it, yes, my memory is THAT good.
I told my mother "I remember laying down and a lady smiling with really dark hair winding up the stuffed star and hearing the melody "twinkle twinkle little star" and placing it on me." She told me that that was my grandmother giving me that stuffed star toy for the 1st time, I was not even 4 months old.
This is my Mom and Dad, my dad is holding my little brother and I'm next to my younger cousin.
Gosh, this is the ONLY picture I have seen in a long,long time of my family and I all together. I stare at my father and wonder why? Why did things have to end up the way that they did?
Here I am, I still pretty much look the same as I do now, you can tell that I put that little clip in my hair myself..Hahaha!
Gosh...What went wrong? Even at a young age I was accustomed to the ills that this world had to offer, I had seen more horror than a child should ever see, and I've carried those things with me for my whole life.
If people think that little kids are too young to remember or know any better...THEY.ARE.WRONG.
Some kids do remember.
My memory takes me back to a time when I was not yet able to even speak. I look at my life, not just myself, but my whole life as it is today and glimpse back to those times and ask myself WHY?
Why did my father end up like he did?
Did I really turn out good?
Sure, my brother and I are strong, but there has been damage that both of us just cannot shake and probably never will.
But despite how life was then, I still viewed the world with the same wonder and excitement that I do now...But my flaws are so visible.
current mood:  complacent
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(20 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 18th, 2008
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2:35 am - Yea!!!
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Back from Providence RI, it was a nice, much needed trip.
Soo...
NY AND LAS VEGAS, HERE I COME!!!
On January the 5th,6th and 7th I'll be in NYC, and then from January 8-11th I'll be in Vegas! Never been there, but I'm excited to go.
UGH.
Cannot sleep, and I have a photoshoot tomorrow. Sleep is vital. Gimme plz.
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| Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
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11:39 am
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I am dropping a bunch of friends later on because people CANNOT KEEP THEIR FUCKING MOUTHS SHUT to other people that are in my line of work and take it upon themselves to Email them, which has now caused me to catch some heat for posting this...Anyone who is suspected is being blacklisted from my life entirely....Although I am pretty sure I know who the culprit is....Do yourself a favor, NEVER contact me again. And stay the fuck away from me.
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 30th, 2008
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10:36 pm
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The party was a success!
Thank you to everyone that attended, lots of people came, there was no fighting, no problems at all and minimal mess for me to clean up which makes me happy.
All I know is that there are really embarrassing pictures floating around out there...Yikes!
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(11 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 8th, 2008
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10:41 am - SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR TAX MONEY!
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Blah blah blah about tax money and politics.
Everyone on my fucking friends list.
Did anyone consider where *else* your tax money goes to and has gone to and will go to besides people that want a free ride?
And why *else* the economy is the way it is.
Think about 9/11 relief. A very,VERY expensive war. Our soldiers. Their families. Hurricane Katrina.
Miscellaneous natural disasters that have struck the US in the past few years.
And they might strike again.
Things that we were obviously NOT prepared for.
Unemployment for those who were laid off from their jobs. Education.
So on and so forth.
DUH.
Be glad that you have a roof over your head and that a vast majority of you were not *directly* affected by these things and you still have the ability to buy that Starbucks coffee that you suck down every day.
Even if things are tough for you, there is someone out there who wishes they had it as good as you do right now.
Things are not so bad in the grand scheme of things given the circumstances.
current mood:  annoyed
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(32 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, November 7th, 2008
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12:50 am
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distortedsoundz's journal
